stillamobiandefender

Sonic was glad that he made no promise to Shadow about this before, because he was pretty sure he couldn't keep to it.

He definitely wasn't at the moment. Perhaps it'd started as a nightmare, or maybe it had been present before then. Either way, he was simply submerged in pain, drowning, drowning, and he had no way of saving himself from the gasping in his lungs. He didn't know exactly when he'd started crying, only that it was enough that he was losing oxygen quickly and he wasn't about to settle to breathe, suffocated by a need to be free. He'd felt so trapped, trapped, and the claustrophobia was slowly and painfully killing him, squeezing his heart and kick starting him into insatiable terror.

This manifested through him digging his fingers into the folds of the bandages once more, gritting his teeth as he couldn't swallow his screams. He needed them off, and he needed them off immediately. He couldn't take it right now. He needed to bleed it out -- maybe it would make him feel more alive.

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Shadow was tired of being apart from him.

Each day, each passing day, he grew closer, needier, more protective, yearning to keep him in his sights at all times. He didn't want to leave that hospital. He hated leaving. Sometimes, he was allowed to stay, but other times, they ushered him out, insisting that Sonic needed to rest. Alone. Without him. Without his defending, loving wings surrounding him and preventing any harm to go beyond him.

How horrid it was to know that one of Sonic's greatest offenders... was he himself, peeling at his bandaging, tearing up the area over and over, causing himself pain...

And it was even worse to see it in action.

He froze upon creaking the door open, his limp hand falling from the doorknob as he saw it, the blood oozing, the bandaging only partially unraveled, and the act still being in-progress. He inhaled sharply, eyes going wide, and before he knew it, he yelled, surprisingly managing to lose control of his volume.

"What are you doing?!"

Sonic wasn't totally oblivious to the world around him. Indeed, he was enough in tune that he could hear the door opening, ears swiveling, and he froze. It jolted him even worse when he saw that the one who'd opened it happened to be the very last he wanted to see him like this.

His tantrum wasn't done, though. It wasn't finished. He still felt that intense agony, only further increased by the presence of the black hedgehog. He felt like he failed him. He felt like he failed himself. He felt like he failed everyone and there was nothing else he could do, failure failure failure infinitely a failure because that was all he'd amount to. And he couldn't help it; he let out terrible wails as tears continued to stream down his face relentlessly, and he bowed over those stumps, wanting to tear and tear and rip but knowing he couldn't because he was there, watching him.

"I-I'm sorry," he gasped, his eyes wide, sightless, and haunted as they stared directly at the sheets below him, fingers twitching over his bandages, wanting to continue to destroy himself. "I-I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I-I'm so sohohohorryyyy...!" Instantly his speech, which had hardly been coherent in the first place as it wavered, dissolved into pained choking and wailing noises, not anywhere near muffled. He brought those useless, useless hands up to his face, nearly clawing at his eyes as he sobbed openly into them, unable to stop.

He felt a total loss of control. He couldn't remember being more frightened any time else in his life, and it was killing him.

"Sonic...!"

Shit, no. What if he thought he was angry at him? He wasn't. He was angry at the situation. Angry that he was suffering so much to the point that he did this. Angry that he was suffering in the first place. Angry that he couldn't do anything about it.

Shadow tore through the room, bolting to his side and latching onto his shoulders instantaneously. He yanked Sonic, but only enough to bring him close, enough for him to wrap his arms around him tight. He held him as if his life depended on it, as if he'd go back at it if he let him go... or worse.

Sonic... wouldn't do anything to himself to ultimately kill himself, would he?

Oh, Chaos.

"You do not have to apologize..." He whispered to him, his voice quivering slightly as the agonizing emotions became contagious so fast. "It's okay... Shhh..."

So soothing...

How did he ever get so empathetic? Oh, the things this hedgehog did to him...!

The blue hedgehog couldn't help a gasp as he was brought into such a tight embrace, his heart aching as he felt the desperation, desperation he didn't believe he deserved. He didn't deserve someone rushing to his side, providing him with safety, not when he was the one who kept demolishing it. He didn't know how to control himself -- all he wanted was for the pain to go away. He wanted to feel okay. He wanted to be happy again. He wanted to feel free instead of like a bird with its wings clipped, and yet here he was, shaking as blood oozed from his wound and his fingers tingled with the need to finish with what he started, the need to punish himself.

"I-it hurts," he whimpered, burying his head into Shadow's shoulder as sobs wracked his body, making his chest throb and his back sting. His hands went limb at his sides, unable to move as their owner tried to breathe instead of become sick, a job that was taxing all on its own. "I-I..." a shuddering gasp, "I want it to end." And he did, without any exaggeration. He wanted it done. Over with. He didn't think he could do this anymore. How did he even survive this long after being continuously miserable?

His hands migrated to the black hedgehog's back, arching and digging in just slightly as they needed a place now that they weren't preoccupied with ripping him apart. Somewhere he doubted that Shadow would even significantly feel it, though the grip was definitely tight enough that it poked past the fur. He was molding around him, a pole of security, since he couldn't stop it by himself. He couldn't regain control, agony having taken over any of his sense of worth, which was what protected him before. He lost control and it plunged him deep, very deep, and he wasn't going to be able to swim to the surface.

"I-I'm sorry..." He knew that Shadow had just told him he didn't have to apologize, but he felt he needed to, anyway. He felt so guilty for being so incredibly weak. Some hero of Mobius he was. "I..." He swallowed. "I'm a failure..."

That would be all he ever will be. Failure, failure, failure.

"I-I'm such a mess..."

One that he couldn't clean up.

"... a-and I want to disappear."

No. Oh, no no no. That was the last thing he ever wanted to hear. Shadow didn't want Sonic dead. He didn't want him to disappear. He wanted him to live a long, happy, healthy life, just the two of them together, spending their days relaxing, anything to see his smile. He missed that smile. He never thought he would, but he sorely did. He wanted to see him bright and cheery, running off to see friends and adventures, new and old. That was the Sonic he knew, the Sonic that was happy, free...

This Sonic was depressed and chained to this goddamn hospital bed.

He was tired of it.

Shadow growled, flopping down into the bed and dragging Sonic with him. He held him even tighter still, trying to watch his strength so he didn't strangle him by mistake, but not willing to let him have wiggle room. He didn't want him to `disappear` like he yearned to.

If Sonic died, he had no idea what he would do.

"You are not going to disappear," he hissed, shutting his eyes and trying to ignore the build-up of salty liquid. His tail curled between his legs, fearful and concerned and frazzled and terrified. He was terrified by the one thing he never thought he would be: his rival's power.

Sonic could easily kill himself if he wanted to, and that is what he was afraid of.

"Stay. Please."

His voice cracked. Chaos, his voice cracked. How, oh pathetic he must have sounded!

Shadow's sudden actions startled Sonic, and the next thing he knew he felt the black hedgehog's warmth all around him, encircling him. It was as liberating as it was caging, and it allowed him to simply let go. He held onto him in response, burying his face into his shoulder and whimpering, pleading. He took in his scent, took in his presence, and wrapped himself in the comfort it provided him, a band-aid and disinfectant over the bleeding of his heart -- not a total repair, but enough so that he could carry on.

He stayed like that, not replying to Shadow's begging for a long time, just sobbing and mentally scolding himself for being unable to stop. His fingers twitched and threaded over his back, and his teeth gritted as he felt threatened to be ripped apart by himself and his situation haunting him, destroying him on the inside. There was only one thing holding him together, and that very thing was telling him to stay. And while there was still that urge to give up, to continue considering himself a failure, he knew he had to hold on, if not for himself then for him. For Shadow.

It was like glue. The cracks still remained, but at least he was stapled together. It began to wind down, and while his breathing continued to be pained, he didn't feel that urge to hurt himself anymore. He just wanted to be held like he was now. He just wanted to stay here and curl up, and forget the rest of the world existed. Forget the stumps existed. Forget anything was there except him and Shadow, intertwined with each other under the sheets.

"I'm sorry..."

The apology slipped beyond his own accord, but he felt like it, anyway. He still felt as if he failed him by letting go like that.

"... I-I don't deserve this..."

He didn't deserve Shadow. He didn't deserve to be taken care of. He needed to take care of himself, like he used to. Like he was supposed to.

But he couldn't. Somehow, he'd lost the ability. And it hurt. He didn't want to burden anyone else like this. He wanted to be himself. He wanted to be happy constantly, so that way no one else would have to feel pain because of him.

He loved Shadow, and he hated that he was putting him through this.

"Of course you do."

Shadow had to bite back the scalding insult that he had on his tongue, something Sonic would have easily shrugged off and laughed at before, something as silly as calling him moronic. He knew now, it would hurt far worse, now that the barrier of freedom around his heart was shattered, leaving him confined in this room with nothing more than his misery to keep him company when Shadow left.

When he left...

This was exactly why he never wanted to leave.

He hesitated momentarily, an idea springing to mind, body wanting to react to it. However, he refrained, unsure if he should, both because of himself and his-...

No.

He was done being selfish.

He drug Sonic in, leaving a loving, yet chaste kiss on his lips, claws digging into his back through his gloves with desperation. He wanted to feel him, touch him, hear him breath, anything to show that he was alive and well. He wanted him safe, nestled in his arms until his final days, living his life out happily.

Suffering...

One could say he was suffering, but he didn't want him to. He wasn't about to give up on him. When he wallowed in his own sorrow, Sonic didn't stop pestering him, being buddies with him, racing with him, smiling at him, and most importantly, just existing in his life. All he knew to do was to return the favor, and he was hellbent on doing so. This was his duty, to protect the defender of Mobius, to bring him joy again now that he couldn't save the planet like before. His duty was to protect Mobius himself, something the blue hedgehog couldn't do now, and this made him want to do it even more. For him.

Would he be able to do it all?

He would most certainly try.

"Sonic..."

He pulled away from those lips, yet his remained close, enough for their breathing to mingle and tickle each other's fur. He brought up a single hand, slicking his fingers through the peach fur on Sonic's cheek, savoring his touch and urging him to improve with it.

"Dammit, Sonic, smile like you used to."